Sleeping etiquette?

I'm usually quite courteous & polite. I hold open doors, wait for people to finish their sentences & try extremely hard not to slurp my drink when I'm in company. But, for all my collective awesomeness, I can't ever figure out what's proper sleeping etiquette (not what you're thinking, I have that one mastered like an art). You see I'm over half way through my internship. I've done my fair share of night shifts & no matter where I am, who I'm working with, I hate it when 2am comes around! That's usually when the patients stop trickling in, the nurses start to go off to bed & the senior residents decide to run away without telling you, leaving you in despair, in silent need to slit their throats for loading you with the responsibility of any serious cases that may come by; but, I digress.

Image Source

Do I go sleep in the on-call room? If so, should I latch the door? Should I change outta my scrubs? There's this nice empty bed next to that patient, would he mind if I slept there? Or would he wake up all startled? Should I go off to bed before my resident? Should I ask him if there's any more work? How long will it take for me to go sneak into the ICU & sleep in there with those comfy beds & awesome airconditioning riddled with multi-antibiotic resistant bugs? Would I ever wake up from the ICU? Would the nurses mind if I hogged one entire end of the table, because for them, I'm almost an alien? Should I just stay awake? If I take off my coat, am I still on-call? Do these idiots even have my number? Could I just drive home right now? Wouldn't that be just perfect? And why God, why, can't You ever have a hot extern work with me during the night?

So many questions... Any answers? Seriously? I'm waiting

I did not need to know that!

What is it about us studying medicine that makes everyone we know want to come up to us and tell us their medical problems? Wait, let me rephrase that! 

'What is it about us studying medicine that makes everyone we know want to come up to us and tell us things we don't ever want to know?!'

It freaks me out!!

Now, as interns, we come across a lot of people everyday, narrating things that they wouldn't want anyone other than their doctors to know. They're usually secretive & hush-hush about things concerning even the upper half of their bodies. God forbid they have to utter words like penis and vagina! But, we're forced to be sensitive to their issues & speak about their problems in the same soft tones, use the same mindless lingo for their genitals & breasts & never ever ask more than 3 questions about their sex lives:

"1. Do you have sex?

2. Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?

3. Any infections?

That will be all. Thank you"

We're quick and discrete during our practice, because every normal human being would be uncomfortable divulging way too much information (I'd rather not get into the details of how our entire social structure is anti-medical history cause noone wants to tell us shit anyways!). So, I have to ask again -  Why are so many people I know coming up to me and asking me these things? Because my logic tells me that they should be embarrassed outta their pants (no pun!). Maybe they're just plain dumb! You can't ask me what the side-effects of a single dose of Fluconazole are without me figuring out you've got fungal vaginitis! Don't show me medicines I do not want to know about & ask me names of diseases that aren't really code words that your doctor invented. Turns out, I know what they mean too! Or even worse, I may know how you got it! I need not know what sort of discharge you've got coming out from which orifice, how your bowel habits have been altered by which medication & please don't ask me if Ayurvedic medication can help you sexually. Give it a shot and let me know. I'm just as curious about those ads in local trains. 

Maybe it's because interns are in this twilight zone, where everyone thinks we're eager to learn, good enough to guide & yet not learned enough to deduce their dirty deeds effectively. Or maybe it's cause I happen to be around & I don't charge a penny. What's the going rate of a half-decent medical intern's consult these days?

To everyone I know: Keep it in your pants, within your head & don't let it outta your mouth. I couldn't care less!

"What's a libido?"

Patients have this uncanny ability to come up and surprise you. Sure, you need to go through hundreds before you can garner enough tales worthy of a blog, but this next one takes the cake. You'll find these people when you least expect them, when your brain is at its dormant best, figuratively twiddling its olfactory lobes & definitely not in a state to process what's about to present itself.

I was sitting peacefully in my OBGY clinic yesterday when a tame looking 45 year old woman was brought by her husband. It was almost lunchtime & this hubby had a look of serious concern on his face that made my heart sink; I was expecting a long history. So, he starts off & then suddenly trails, feeling uncomfortable discussing his wife's *cough*cough* reproductive prowess. My resident came by and sat herself down, telling him that he needn't be embarrassed. For my younger friends out there studying medicine, I'd rather describe the complaints in usual 'case format':

Patient, ABCD, 45 year old married female, G3P3L3A0, living in Mumbai, hailing from XYZ, was brought by her husband, who is also her informant, with chief complaints of:

• Excessive libido since 6 months
• Unusual need to experiment in bed, especially positions
• Insatiable urge to seek sexual satisfaction with other men in absence of husband
• Severe exhaustion & dehydration of husband intermittently

Patient claims, "There's nothing bothering me, it's my husband who's worrying too much". 

Husband claims psychological distress at seeing her with strange men when he comes home. 

There's no past history of heart disease (Thank God!), hypertension, diabetes, TB, asthma, psychiatric illness or surgeries

Diagnosis: Refer to psychiatry