In-a-body experience

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You lean against the wall, thoughts straying,
Until you can't remember how you got here.
You look across the room... & feel nothing,
The sight of your hand seems unfamiliar;
That it obeys your command, surreal.
You wonder if this body will take the punishment, this sense of freedom,
& then a familiar sense of carelessness, it comes flooding back.
Amazing how the right song and a pair of earphones
make you the loneliest philosopher in a crowded room

To Do List

Someone recently shared a picture with a To-Do List on Whatsapp that had me splitting with laughter! I take no credit for it, but thought I should share it with you!

Personal favorite: No.6!!

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Easy Living

There's been so much happening recently, I've been giving a lot of thought to what my 'life philosophy' actually is. Is everything I do as random as I think it is? The answer's so hilariously beyond me, it reminds me of the Roadrunner & Wile-E-Coyote; but here's what I think makes my days tick:

1. "That's what she said!"
   These glorious words should only be used for that spiritually enlightening game of sexual innuendo & double entendre. Using it to bitch about someone is just depriving someone of a good laugh! Not familiar with the game? You'll find the light here
   
   
2. Tell your friends just how amazing they are
   Why? Because they are! Boss making you miserable? Girlfriend won't give you head? Marks slipping? Rubbed your local mob the wrong way? There's always at least one person to help you out. If not, at least find a friend who bakes. Yumm, the sweet taste of misery
   
   
3. Go hug your mom at least twice a day
   There's an acute shortage of mothers in the world. Everyone has just one. Tells yours she's special.
   
   
4. Question everything
   What's the reason I'm here? How can I win her over? What can I do to succeed professionally? How can I make the world a better place? Why won't this itch go away? Figuring out the right question is half the battle won. 
   
   
5. Make Love, Not War
   Stop spending so much time fighting or arguing with people; & especially stop investing energy in avoiding 'mortal enemies'. Unless you have a Batcave or come from the planet Krypton, you can't afford to have mortal enemies! Stop sulking & skirmishing. Move on. And oh yeah, have sex. No particular reason. Well, you know what I mean. 

I'm sure I've missed a few important points, but you couldn't possibly handle anything longer. 

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

You Chose Already, Now My Turn

Someday when you're unlucky, I'll kill you with my words. Start running away right now.

- A wise wise woman

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Dear friend with the beautiful back, 'cause that's all I see now,

I chose to write to you. The convolution of the situation was scalding me & I chose to walk away. No, I didn't admit defeat, I didn't cower, I chose to do the sane thing, I wrote. I wrote because I can always erase the hurtful words I write, before they reach the person they're meant for, I can vent without being angry. I wrote because I can't really take back the things I angrily say, that which I don't think through, mean or don't believe in. I wrote because it's difficult to be angry at a letter, because when we're at war, seeing you makes me want to sit down with you; seeing me, makes you want to run away.

If you thought I was wrong, why didn't you just say so. I would've let you shout, scream, moan, throw your arms & legs up in the air. I would've gone through it all because you were more hurt than I. Why'd you choose to walk away instead? It aches to think years together have whittled down to nothing more than distance. Before you left, you used the choicest of words. You tore the flesh from my bones, clinically dissected my mental faculty & still had some left to share with others around you. You told me of your bitterness I wasn't aware of, of problems that I thought were long gone. You chose to bring them up, because when there's that much blood spilled already, some more would surely help you vent. What's worse is you committed yourself to your words. You stood by your decisions. I'd salute your steadfastness, if only I could justify it. 

Isn't there just the slightest chance we're both at fault here? Had we deteriorated without notice? Yes, you're the judge, jury & executioner. You based our relationship on your account of that one day. You're impervious to my pleas, ignorant of the truth, & in denial of what I meant to you. You may say you're angry enough, but you're not, unless you're going to punch me. Unless you're eager to land a right-hook, there's still hope. Because when the smoke blows over, there isn't any nuclear winter, just a few people getting on with their lives. 

Its more a game of time than words right now, & too much has passed. I'm tired of writing. I'm wiser because, I finally realize that letting go has its own charm. I have many friends, none better, but I chose to fight for you. And now, I choose to walk away from you. 

Maybe someday, you'll look back at what happened & a doubt will creep in. You'll wish you'd chosen your words wisely. Maybe, someday you'll move on, not walk away; you'll remember how intimately I loved you, our time together. 

Maybe someday, I'll turn & there won't be any time for letters; I'll tear you apart with my words, except I won't be there to stitch you up again. Would you fight for me then?

Superficially Me

Its been over a year now & no, it hasn't washed away, although I did once have a nightmare that it did. I thought discussing my tattoo would only mean narrating why I got it; instead I've got stories to share about what happens during and after as well.

Lesson #1: Needles hurt. Who knew?

Yeah it hurts, but its not really pain. Its this indescribable mix of scorching heat, vibration, pressure & a couple of IMs going in at once. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive. Thoughts of choosing between whiskey, tequila, paracetamol & Tramadol kept going through my head. Eventually, I chose a girl to hold my hand.

I have the tattoo over my upper back, a good place as the skin here is thick and from what I've read, relatively insensitive to pain. Medicine never taught me the meaning of "relative".

And yes, its not funny when the stupid machine cords start tickling your lower back & the artist thinks you're tensing up because of the pain. I don't think he bought that story; not a proud moment for yours truly.

Would I do it again? Yes!! This damn thing brings out the masochist in you.

Lesson #2: Exhibitionism is out of the question

I've always thought people get the most amazing tattoos on their wrists, or the inside of their forearms, but its forbidden territory for doctors. I wouldn't personally get one anywhere that was easily visible. Its just that every physician is supposed to conform to the layman's idea of a competent doctor. You wouldn't ever want to be in a plane flown by a pilot wearing his hat backwards, would you? That being said, this tattoo was personal & I'm deeply attached to it. I don't think about whether its visible to the world. Its very cliched to say this, but I got it for ME! My shoulders, arms & feet though are reserved for future.

Also, I'd take this moment to thank my friends, who've never refrained from ripping apart t-shirt collars to get a better look.

Lesson #3: There'll always be 'people'

I was posted in I.Med last summer & still remember beads of sweat rolling down my nose when I did my post-emerg collections. I avoided my coat like the plague. So, I'm strolling ahead of my Unit Head during rounds & she goes, "Is that a tattoo?". I just nodded and slowled my pace to let her pass me. I thought she'd stop; except, (long pause) she didn't. She then did this great impression of a National Geographic journalist interviewing the tribes of the Amazon."How much does it hurt? How much did it cost you? Does your family know? Is it safe? Where did you get it? Why did you get it? I swear if my son one day walked upto me and told me he wanted to get a tattoo, he wouldn't have a home anymore. Personal reasons?! I don't really understand your generation." I looked at my registrar amid all this & we shared a simultaneous facepalm moment.

Other nicer instances include a Gynac nurse who almost hit me on the back because she thought the halo was a bug & then proceeded to get all the nurses to gang up on me to show it to them. Did you have a facepalm moment right now too? See, we're bonding.

Lesson #4: Those lingering moments of doubt eventually wither away

Of course, there were times after I'd taken the plunge when there were genuine doubts.
Did I make the right call?
Didn't he open the needles in front of me? Damn! Should've checked the seals myself
Maybe I could've gone with different artwork
Does this seem lopsided to you?

But, I love it & am at peace with it. I would've done a million things differently, if I'd had time. But, I suppose anyone would be that paranoid with something this permanent. Eventually, I'm going to go get some white retouches done on this to add more details at the flexion of the wing. But, I'd never change its structure, or what it says.

Lesson #5: Bis Vivit Qui Bene Vivit - One who lives well, lives twice

Those are the words I chose for my angel. This was my little slice of closure over losing someone close to me. And that's the lesson I hold dearest. I read the statement in two different ways.

One should live their lives to the fullest, take in all they can, because a life truly 'lived' is worth twice one spent in vain. 

A person who's been honest & good to those around him, deserves another chance. 

Getting inked wasn't ever about holding onto a memory or letting go. It was just honouring someone, knowing I have a keepsake with me, a sliver of where I'm from and what made me.

Superficial

Did it hurt?

Is it permanent?

What's that supposed to mean?

Why'd you get it done?

Can doctors have them?

Why?!

Thanks Bill

Bill Watterson created a fantastic world with Calvin & Hobbes in 10 years. He finally decided to end the strip gracefully while he was still at his peak, not wanting this iconic strip to overstay its welcome or lose relevance. Here's the final comic that ran on December 31st 1995. I think its very apt for this particular phase of my life:

(c) Bill Watterson 

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. 

If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.

-Bill Watterson

Tomorrow

Beyond all our exaggerated fights & subdued squabbles, there's a better tomorrow. Beyond hunting for time & the frustration that accompanies failing, is tomorrow. There're just a few hours left today. We haven't spoken much, we haven't met; its been days since I last saw you, took in the scent of your hair as I held onto you; but tomorrow's another day, gives me one more reason to be optimistic. 

I may plan & obsess, but there's no telling how amazing tomorrow may actually turn out to be. Tomorrow, we'll be together, I'll love you just as much, maybe more, but tomorrow will be better than today and yesterday. Tomorrow we get to start afresh with a g'morning call, not knowing what course the next few hours will take. Tomorrow will be a brand new chapter in our lives together. Tomorrow, I'll make fresh promises, and break a few old ones; You'll try harder and then give up midway. But, by night tomorrow, we'll be better for having lived our successes and shortcomings. 

Tomorrows are where I live with you, there's always something better waiting around the corner. It doesn't matter if you can't care enough, I'll do that for the both of us. I'll dream intricate dreams for tomorrow, weave tales around our heads. Tomorrow I'll lay down with you once again; those impatient hands of my watch will wait for me. I'll take in the way the light plays with your curves. Your curves, I'll take them all in, like I'd never see them again. Tomorrow I'll tell you things I've hidden from you for so long, and then tell you what I can't say enough; I'll be repetitive, but I won't be boring, I promise you that. You'll want me to go on and then I'll stop, just to feel how effortlessly your hand fits into mine. I'll trace every crease of your palms, your fingers. I'll trace that arc from your toes flowing onto your feet, legs, knees, I'll keep on going. I won't stop till the wrinkles in the sheets tell our tale; of how we lived, loved, died and came back to life together. Those moments, I should hate them, they pass too quickly. There's nowhere else I'd rather be, no one else I'd rather do nothing with. That window, the fumes of coffee & passersby, all oblivious to our day to remember. Tomorrow, I'll do everything you want, I'll make sure that smile doesn't leave your face. Tomorrow, I'll make elaborate plans for the rest of the day, how I'll push aside the hair from your face, to reveal a smile. Forget my plans, these sheets have been so good to us, it'll be criminal to leave them. 

Tomorrow can't get here soon enough. Thank god, tomorrow's only a few hours away. Beyond that, another tomorrow awaits the light of day. 

What a magical journey its been, with friends from Narnia

You have just as much power over choosing your friends, 

as you do over choosing the day you were born

All I do now is look back at the series of most fortunate events. Happy accidents, that's what I'd call them. We never really chose our company, these men and women we walk with. There wasn't a grand plan at work. But, 'we' worked together. We just moved on with our lives, ceaselessly, sometimes aimlessly. There wasn't any grand plan, we weren't capable of making it as good as it turned out anyway. 

That very first day; it was filled with a lot of "Where are you from"s. Such trivial questions! It didn't really matter, we were in this together for the long haul. Five years is very long time, or so we thought. Five scorching summers, five humorous monsoons, five faux winters & innumerable days in between. We lived our lives in these seasons. 

We stepped foot into an unfamiliar, untamed land, & made it our own. It didn't matter how far it is where you were from, or how long it took you to get here. 'Here' is what mattered, & here it seems we would be together without end. Today's not a good day, but it's as good a day as any for saying 'so long'. From lengthy testimonials, short notes, status updates, blog posts to things that're obviously left unsaid; today they all seem deficient. Another day, we'll be 'here' once again, laughing about all that conspired today. How did we get so messed up in the moment? That day wasn't a conclusion to those five years. It just signaled yet another change of season.

We didn't choose one another, but let's say we did, and pat ourselves on the back anyway. We'll meet again someday, right where and when we left off.

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Taking stock

Ever so often you find yourself in a familiar place, with familiar faces, talking about things you know so well, and yet, everything seems different. The world stops, the drinks stop flowing, the words cease and you take in that scene, that familiarity, that you want to hold onto so badly. I know the blog says Megalomania in the title but I'm acutely aware of my mortality. I make it a point that those who matter know exactly what I feel about them. I often say, "My friends are my greatest investments"; I sure do feel rich right now.

Its not the euphoria after path-breaking achievements, its not the darkness in failures, that you remember. You recall the moments you thought you never would, the moments that you never thought deserved a place in the "Best of..." reel of your life. So, once again I'm looking across the table at people I never chose, those I didn't fully understand; these are the people that matter most, I hold them closest. You know that feeling of loss which you never really understood? I feel that now; except I'm not losing anything at all. You look back and miss that you never knew you shared. That barefoot walk on rocky beaches, the bad movies that chewed your brain, those high-fives that hurt so much, a broken sink, so many broken glasses, and creative drunken stories. You've left me with memories that'll take a lifetime to recall & rejoice. 

My friends, my family, I've taken stock of life. I sure do feel rich right now.