[UN]Reality TV: Part 1

OK, if we could only go back a few years when I was busy prepping for Med School, I'd tell you that Scrubs and House were my favorite shows. I spent the better part of my free time away from books admiring Sarah Chalke and wondering why Jennifer Morrison couldn't be the same. Anyhow, my basic presumptions about med school, medicine in general, and the work environment were so freakishly flawed by these shows, I wonder how I adapted to reality in the first place. And that's not it! One of my friends got me started on Grey's anatomy right after I knew I was gonna get into med school. It took her 2 full months before college began to realize that the show is named after the book, not the other way around! 

So, I'll be sharing my breakdown of the top UNREAL medical shows on TV over the next few days. Here's presenting House M.D:

House M.D revolves around the life of an egotistical, ingenious, ACDC listening, vintage t-shirt wearing, bike-riding, sadistic prick, who would rather get jailed than listen to a patient. Everything on this show is done STAT. You need a f-MRI with PET Scan at 2am, no problems. You want a lap dance at noon, why not? You want to diagnose a never before discovered condition quickly, because you have a dinner reservation. Why not? After all, the show is only 1 hour long.. Oops, 40 minutes without the ads! 

The general surgeon on the team excels in micro-vascular surgery, neurosurgery, urosurgery, ophthalmology & of course, Internal Medicine. That's right, the Genral Surgeon!!

Lisa, I miss you!

The Rheumatologist tries in vain to prove every case is an SLE. The Neurologist looks like he's getting head under the table at all times, cause he fails to react to any outlandish theory that comes up. But, here's why I watched the show: Lisa Edelstein, the sinfully adorable chief of medicine, who I learn has recently left the show.

I'd end this rant by adding that there is no such thing as a department of Diagnostic Medicine in my hospital, regular patients are not that interesting & the doctors are seriously not that good looking, well at least most of them aren't.

HTMKK

Nobody likes a faker! Not one bit! Not in bed, not at the workplace, unless those two happen to coincide. What's the most irritating part of a faker? That they continue to "act out" even when they've been "found out". They will just refuse to give up; talking about a good-for-nothing idiot persevering (wrong place, wrong time)! But, what angers me most is that I can't label my patients - Fakers. It seems someone came up with a cool term - Malingering. So, I'll have to run with that since using outdated terminology is frowned upon in medical circles. Look at what happened to the Ayurvedic doctor who said he was practicing Voodoo! 

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There're a lot of malingering patients I see regularly, we call them "chronic cases", we know their entire past medical history, family history, bowel time-table & even what they had for dinner last night, simply because we see them "chronically", at times more often than I see my family. Their papers read like the what's what in medical symptoms. Not a single organ system is missed, there're always gonna be multiple complaints & usually they come back within a day, "because the meds don't work".

Modern medicine has thrown in everything to try to describe this "condition". They deem it to be a serious disorder that "handicaps" a large section of the population. I, being the young medical marvel that I am, see it for what it is. I don't go around labeling patients, "Systemic Candidiasis Syndrome", "Fibromyalgia", "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" or some other Voodoo, sorry, ayurvedic crap like that! Sometimes, a pussy is just a pussy! Surprised?

You can't show up in my clinic every other day with tingling & aches & a general feeling of unwell and have the balls to demand a diagnosis. I've run my tests, I've given you a head-to-toe examination, & yet, you have the nerve to question my medical knowledge? I've filled out your entire case history, written out the prescription for body pain & THEN, you remember you've got chest pain? Guess what? Fakers often tend to forget which symptom is to be given top priority, they're not too bright. They heave when they see me, but when they're with the nurses, their breathing normalizes. They come with a BP of 140/90 & say they have "Chronic Low BP". You know what? I should probably just immortalize my name in medical textbooks by creating criteria for a new condition "Pseudo-hypotensive hypertension syndrome". First 100 doctors to make that diagnosis will get a 1000 referrals & a pen from me!

To all these people who have the tolerance level of a fish outta water, watch the next video & Harden The Fuck Up (courtesy of MDOD): 

I have an old friend, extremely laid back & couldn't care less about any damning news you may have to give him. He came up with HTMKK, short for "Haan, to main kya karu?" for whenever someone shares some shitty info he doesn't give a crap about. For those not fluent in Hindi, its literal translation is, "So, what I am supposed to do"; But, when used correctly, it means, "I don't really give a fuck!"

So, don't be surprised to see FSD, HTFU, & HTMKK on your prescription the next time you see your doc