I did not need to know that!

What is it about us studying medicine that makes everyone we know want to come up to us and tell us their medical problems? Wait, let me rephrase that! 

'What is it about us studying medicine that makes everyone we know want to come up to us and tell us things we don't ever want to know?!'

It freaks me out!!

Now, as interns, we come across a lot of people everyday, narrating things that they wouldn't want anyone other than their doctors to know. They're usually secretive & hush-hush about things concerning even the upper half of their bodies. God forbid they have to utter words like penis and vagina! But, we're forced to be sensitive to their issues & speak about their problems in the same soft tones, use the same mindless lingo for their genitals & breasts & never ever ask more than 3 questions about their sex lives:

"1. Do you have sex?

2. Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?

3. Any infections?

That will be all. Thank you"

We're quick and discrete during our practice, because every normal human being would be uncomfortable divulging way too much information (I'd rather not get into the details of how our entire social structure is anti-medical history cause noone wants to tell us shit anyways!). So, I have to ask again -  Why are so many people I know coming up to me and asking me these things? Because my logic tells me that they should be embarrassed outta their pants (no pun!). Maybe they're just plain dumb! You can't ask me what the side-effects of a single dose of Fluconazole are without me figuring out you've got fungal vaginitis! Don't show me medicines I do not want to know about & ask me names of diseases that aren't really code words that your doctor invented. Turns out, I know what they mean too! Or even worse, I may know how you got it! I need not know what sort of discharge you've got coming out from which orifice, how your bowel habits have been altered by which medication & please don't ask me if Ayurvedic medication can help you sexually. Give it a shot and let me know. I'm just as curious about those ads in local trains. 

Maybe it's because interns are in this twilight zone, where everyone thinks we're eager to learn, good enough to guide & yet not learned enough to deduce their dirty deeds effectively. Or maybe it's cause I happen to be around & I don't charge a penny. What's the going rate of a half-decent medical intern's consult these days?

To everyone I know: Keep it in your pants, within your head & don't let it outta your mouth. I couldn't care less!

Anonymosity?

If you haven't yet figured out the title of the post, the rest should stump you as well. I started this blog because I felt I would have a lot to share over the course of internship. I love to write, it comes easily; though it's more taxing compared to when I'm just rambling to myself. I wanted others to see the humor in the strangest situations. But, sadly, over the past month or so, I haven't been able to see a lot of the humor myself. Much like the monsoon, it's been a gloomy, dark & wet past month, with all my "worst case scenarios" coming true.

I have this idea about people I deal with professionally, I always like to imagine the "worst case scenario". Basically, if I'm sure that the "horned" one (note how I used 'ed' instead of 'y') cannot make my life more hellish, I do whatever the hell I want. This usually involves me acting like the uncaring intern I can be for dumbass residents, not intent on learning stupid things & refusing to do things that infringe on my human rights. I work more efficiently, such that I don't need to move about too much. I have learned that that the best way to fix a dumb resident is to twiddle your thumbs in plain sight.

But, I haven't yet mentioned how and why I coined the term above.

Anonymous + animosity = ?

C'mon, even my peds patients could solve that one now! So, yeah. While I've found that my last rhyme which had a healthy topping of expletives turned out to be one of my popular posts, I didn't really start the blog to vent my frustrations about a few talented individuals, brilliant suited to making me feel like crap. Maybe, one day when they read my work, they'll realize they've faltered; or maybe they'll just get worse. The best thing is, I won't be around them much longer to find out.

So, ardent readers, it's back to the basics for me. Eagerly looking forward to my next rotation. Write to you soon

Technologically Savaged

Medical Student:

I'm in love with my phone. It does everything I want it to do & then some. I have cool apps like MedScape & Epocrates on it, they help me look up things on the go; I don't have to feel stupid in the clinics anymore. It's got a hardcore camera so I can take a picture of whatever new I come across during rotations. 

I love the browser, I love looking up conditions in Wikipedia. It has all my music so I can unwind & I keep up with the news when I'm on the move. I can't imagine life without it.

Intern:

I have an awesome phone. It does all the things I want it to do, but only when I've taken out the Sim Card. 

I don't really have time to look things up, which is good cause hardly anyone asks me to anymore.

I use MedScape a lot, but only when I'm alone running a peripheral clinic & I'm stumped; I feel like a good ol' fool checking my phone in front of the patient. 

I don't really take any clinical photographs anymore, what's the point? 

My memory is loaded with music I hardly have the energy to listen to anymore. Yes, I need to have some energy to appreciate music, else I'm just hearing noise. 

And yes, I hate that my phone vibrates & rings. I get a pre-ictal aura every time my damn phone rings & I'm sure I get absence seizures when I see its an unknown number, though I can't really recall. Maybe that's the point of absence seizures, remind me to look it up on MedScape. "I should cut the call, who cares? But, then again, maybe I should just let it ring, I'll say it was on vibrate & I didn't feel it through my coat. To hell with it, I might as well pick it up, I'm screwed either ways."

I can't think of what an interns' life must've been like before cellphones became rampant as STDs. Even now when I'm dispatched for a chore, I get called in repeatedly to ask about its progress, why it's going so slow yada yada yada! 

If there was a day to yearn for the simpler times, this is it!

P.S: I hope you liked the typewriter font. The idea hit me and I just kinda ran with it

Not A Nursery Rhyme For Kids

Prequel to this rhyme: What rhymes with blood?

The calendar's page finally turned,

And so the cycle of blood also adjourned.

For children needed much steadier hands,

And for blood, his help they'd never demand.

Little people, he thought, would be easy to handle,

Not realizing he'd be walking into a stupid scandal.

The residents weren't humans, they were wolves, I dare say,

They made him hop, skip and jump through hoops all day.

"How dare he sit by the corner, twiddle his thumbs in full view?

He'll wish he'd never been born, when I'm through."

And so the residents acted like an ass and a witch,

To over-compensate for their obvious gonadal glitch!

"Run here, get that, fetch this useless thing right now, 

and let me plump myself up to be a useless fat cow!"

He craved for the feeling of a syringe back in hand,

And the queue of endless patients, slowly expand. 

"What am I thinking? Didn't I hate blood collection?"
But compared to the present, it seemed like a vacation.
"Ah, those were the days, they taught everyday,
Now, collections seem like a small price to pay"

He looked around the ward & saw others like him,

No spring in their step, faces gloomy & grim.

Mumbling, "This time too will pass", he kept his hopes up,

But these residents wanted to tie a leash around their pup.

The phone kept ringing, with requests not making sense,

He ran their errands at his dignity's expense. 

He dreamed of of a day he could give them the finger,

In that damn ward, not a moment longer he'd linger.

A pity to see such potential turn crass,

How great they'd be, without a fist up their ass!

Poor boy did all that these idiots demanded,

In a sea of blood, he wish he'd been stranded.

"How naive could I be, dismissing my red-handed chores?

That was nothing compared to working under these whores!"

First Impressions?

Ever so often, I come across someone (mostly at work) who I've spoken to for just a few seconds & yet, that's all the time in the world to realize what assholes they are! Its amazing how these people have this vibe, it keeps screaming out, "I'm a dork!", "I'm a douche", "I'm your worst nightmare", "I have insecurity issues", "I'm usually incontinent" !!

Someone needs to tell this people how you can bare your teeth for a grin, not just a growl. They're usually people who believe in 'end of world-this, end of world-that'! Everything is needed STAT! They're rude & generally dislike interns. It's also weird cause these assholes (Yes, I do not have to use weird syntax to hide my abuses on my blog) have never done their internships well. They've usually been cocooned at home, taken cosy externships or paid their way through. They have no right to expect from us what they've never given. Then, there's the other variety who've been tortured through their lives & wish to pass it onto us a part of their general ego hassles & sexual inadequacies.

This is the end of my rant. For those who're reading this blog for the first time still generating their first impressions of it, read the older posts... STAT!

From elbow-deep in a uterus to neck-deep in crap!

My family wants me to become an obstetrician. Bringing life into this world, they say, is the most noble thing a doctor can do. Some of my friends want me to do the same, they're shit scared of going to unknown doctors; the remaining ones say they won't let me ever come within a 100 yards of them! Me? I'd love to take up the science, it's an exciting line. There's a deep appreciation one can gain for the process of childbirth when you're elbow deep in someone's uterus, as I found myself to be on several occasions over the past month.

Yesterday was my last day in my OBGY rotation. I think my eyes should be tearing up right now (cue soft dramatic music), because this past month was an unexpected revelation. I still remember wincing when I got to know who I'm going to be working under, tales of their stern attitude had seeped through already. It seems the past interns in this unit had created quite a ruckus & the next batch would pay for their foolhardiness. The first thing that I was told when I started work, "I hope you interns will not cause us grief like the past batch. Work hard! We're gonna make them pay & if you bother us, we won't treat you any different." Gulp! And so we commenced what was expected to be a long month ahead, treading carefully, not wanting to step on anyone's toes. It took around ten days to realize that we're quite adept at what we we're doing, the junior residents were fun, even the seniors shared a few laughs. There wasn't any sense of terror that we'd anticipated. Instead, everyone just let us be. Scratch that, everyone pushed us to do more!

Every now & again, you'd hear someone shout out at you, asking you to wash up for the next surgery. They went out of their way to make sure our surgical skills were honed. It took them a few days to realize one needs basic skills in the first place to hone them! But, they were patient nonetheless. Eyes glued to the organs laid bare, there'd be a running commentary on what needed to be done next, why it was being done, why in that particular way. It made me wish everyone I'd worked for earlier had taken the same amount of enthusiasm. They need to be eager to teach to deserve an eager intern!

The most surprising aspect of this rotation though, was the women! Their beliefs, attitude & noncompliance were legendary! The humor in it all wasn't lost on any of us:

(Patient refusing a vaginal exam inspite of being 9cms dilated)

Patient: No, no, don't do that, it hurts, I want to go home!

Doc: Woman, how can I check if your baby is alright if you won't let me examine you? Don't you know where babies come from?

Patient: No!

Doc: Look, I beg you to please let me examine you, the baby will suffer otherwise

Patient: But, I'm scared

Doc: (whispers into her ears) You know something? So am I !

Patient: Look here doctor, its hurting too much

Doc: Listen, you're going through childbirth, we've already started your drip. This isn't your first delivery, you ought to know it's gonna hurt a bit.

Patient: It never hurt as much as it does right now! What should I do to make you give me a C-section? Should I get a pooja plate & pray to you?!

(Patient in labour since 12 hours, demanding a C-section, also since 12 hours, by far the loudest female we have in that room. Doc approaches to do a vaginal exam)

Patient: Ooooooh, Aaaaaargh! Doc, remove your hands, it's hurting

Doc: Why're you screaming so much? I haven't even touched you yet!

Patient: Oh, alright, I thought you had!

(The vaginal exam is completed, the patient doesn't squirm or scream)

Doc: Wasn't that bad now, was it?
Patient: But, you haven't even done anything yet.

Doc: Yes, I did. I'm done with the exam

Patient: Ooooooh, Aaaaaargh!

P.S: I almost forgot to explain the second part of my title - I start with my Pediatrics rotation tomorrow!