Monday, September 19, 2011

Quick! To the Laboratory, I've got Magic Hands!!

Me: So, how're you feeling today?
Patient: Doc, I've got this irritating cough & nasty high fever which just refuses to go down.
(I feel the patient's forehead & arm, definitely not running a fever)
Patient: (within a second) Seriously, I think it must've just gone down just now
Me: (mentally slapping forehead)

Eons ago, when I hadn't ruptured my internship's metaphorical hymen, I never really bothered with such patients. There was nothing I could do but take what they said at face value & move on. But, as time wore on, I kept noticing a pattern. I was the only person who kept seeing these patients. And according to ALL of them, "My fever JUST subsided".

This kept me awake at nights, wondering what it was that made my patients seem spontaneously healthy in my presence. I asked myself a lot of questions:

  • Is my skin insensitive to high temperatures?
  • Am I running a temperature, so I can't figure out if someone else is?
  • Is there a Higher power at play?
  • Am I exuding some sort of magic pheramone that makes people alright?

The first just wasn't possible, I had myself tested. Ditto for the second one too. I even asked God why he was playing tricks with me; I did not get an answer *cough typical cough*. What does that leave then? Magic Hands? Of course, that must be true! Off to the lab, I dare say... Let's take some biopsies, run a battery of tests, hook me up to monitors all day long, draw some blood, urine, stool, saliva, semen even. Run me dry! Bring me a slew of fever patients, let me cure them all. Perhaps I should start to grow a beard, wear a turban & be named "Fever Baba" instead. No wait... that's too primitive! I'll call myself Dr.Paracetamol™ ! I'll even trademark my name! Doesn't that sound like a plan?

What's the other option? Saying my patients are lying, that they're cases of Fibro or FSD? How dare you?!?


  1. Antidepressants have to be reclassified into OTC drugs. We need to have abundant stocks of antidepressants in hospital dispensaries, about half of that of PCM. We need safer antidepressants too.

  2. @mkk: I think first, we need to get some more counselors! And then some psychiatrists!
    I think a lot of the counselling could be successful at the OPD level itself, if only we had more time

    @BMC: We don't need SO MANY antacids!!!

  3. I wouldnt say that psychiatrists are hard to get, hell even we can diagnose these, having seen innumerable such patients.The only thing is time and I doubt the availability of that too could change a thing.
    Most of these patients dont have any decrease in productivity, although their complains may suggest otherwise, asking the same to their relatives will clear these facts. So I propose we label these patients and charge them everytime they visit.